2023 just began and January seemed rather short for me. Although it was eventful to begin with, being the new year with new beginnings and plans, not to mention, renewed goals and expectations, both my parents had to be admitted into the hospital. They’re both in the pink of health now but that’s not the point of this article.
2022 was “The Preparatory Year” for me. Not that it came to a halt in 2023 but it was a challenging for me, mainly mentally.
I would consider myself as a person who forgives easily. I do get annoyed easily too and tend to vent my frustrations to those closest to me over the silliest things but I could go on after that facing the person who has done me wrong as if nothing happened. That is my strength, it would be hard for others but that was something I take pride in.
In 2022, I had to face a situation which I required an answer and moving on deemed difficult for me. Thankfully, I had people who supported me, some knew the whole story while some did not. It did not matter to them, for what mattered was that I was not alright and I needed constant motivation and redirection. I was never left alone although most times I preferred to be alone. But the love given by those closest to me, kept me going.
I despise being stuck in a situation without answers. I always required answers and I remembered while going through that phase that I would see lots of posts on Instagram recommending lots of post that emulates somewhere along the lines of “forgiveness without closure”.
Well, easier said than done of course. I would say that I forgive or I would not be angry but I needed answers and started searching from within and others and coming up with different theories just because the person I needed answers from was not there or will not tell. Maybe they themselves didn’t know it too.
But what I needed was answers. I was stuck. I did not want to be stuck but I was.
I recalled listening to multiple self-help books on self-development, trying to develop various areas in my life. It was helpful as there were many lessons I’ve learnt and am still trying to emulate it in my daily habits and life. Despite the multiple self-development books I’ve listened to, I still required answers.
That was the most challenging time for me. I was angry and stuck in this unhappy place with invisible bars surrounding me. I was in a cage.
The worst was when I graduated and it certainly did not get better as the feelings I have kept pent up inside through distraction with my studies and various commitments, needed an outlet and finally, I broke down. It was then, I turned to God. I have always considered myself a believer in Divine Intervention and I found myself turning to Him even more. Hence, I decided to embark on a journey to read the Bible. (If you’ve not already guessed it, yes, I’m a Christian)
The final book I needed to listen to after all the multiple self-development books.
I started going to church more and not too long, I realised that I was in a state of forgiveness and letting go. It did not happen overnight and I remembered being fine one day and crashing the following day. However, I learnt to turn to God in my deepest and darkest moment and it brought me closer to Him through His word. Something I realised, I needed to embark on.
Eventually, I realised that it was alright if I did not get the answers. Maybe one day, it will surface or maybe it won’t. but it’s alright as I’ve rekindled a love I’ve never felt strongly before in the longest time. I understood that all of this were aligned in my journey of bringing me back close to Him and despite being a Christian, I still needed to mature in my understanding of my purpose of being here. Everything before this was mainly me being worldly and not putting Him first, something that I’m still working on which is putting God first in all my plans.
Embarking on this journey brought a newfound meaning to forgiveness and letting go for me. Finally, I understood what it is to forgive and let go without needing the answers. It was not an easy one, something which required me to learn on my very own special journey and one, I am extremely grateful for.
I started making it a habit to pray for people who were not only considered good in my life but for people who have done me wrong as well. It is so easy to judge them and talk about them to our close ones but so difficult to pray for them. To pray for them, is easier said than done. How many times have we heard in sermons that we should pray for our enemies?
With time, it gets better as I started feeling differently about them, the resentment became smaller and I started to feel genuine happiness towards them. Soon, praying for them became even easier. That was part of my forgiveness journey.
January, though short, ended in a different light and perspective for me. No, the journey was not within a month but it was ongoing for the longest time and finally, I have reached a beautiful season. Hence, 2022 was “The Preparatory Year”. A year I needed to understand and work on other aspects before everything else came together for a better perspective. Certainly, it was not an easy journey, filled with multiple bumps and bruises along the way.
If you are struggling through this journey, I hope you find peace and forgiveness within you soon. I may not know what it is that you’re going through but I understand that being stuck is not easy, especially if you have been for the longest time and praying for others.
The Theoretical Doctor 