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“Do you spend more time thinking about the future or the past? Why?”
I’ve been absent. Absent in the sense that I do show up at work. Carry out what needs to be done. Try my best to leave on time and then finally do leave on time.
Somehow it feels like I am on a conveyor belt. Even at work, most of the time I tend to be absent. My hands do carry out the work but my mind wanders. Where does it wander off to? Both the past and the future.
I tend to get really nostalgic when I wonder about the past. I begin reminiscing about my childhood, my schooling days as well as certain special memories, hoping that I could relieve them all over again. Most of the time, it feels like as if the event took place just yesterday.
Hence, I begin to wonder why I have grown up too fast. The white graceful strands on my parents hair seems to be increasing in number and it just saddens me when I look at my parents today. They are every bit graceful and lovely and perhaps it is that I often see them, be it in person or through video calls since I’ve started working as a house officer. The difference is prominent and at times I question my decision on being so far away from them.
Then, there are times when my mind wanders towards the future. Being in this second posting, seeing antenatal mothers and parturition, makes me yearn to have a family of my own. Ideally, it is nice but it comes with a heavy responsibility as well which I do not know yet.
But there’s where my mind usually wanders off to. Being physically present but mentally, I am living either in the past or the future, rarely in the present.
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The Theoretical Doctor 