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Upon writing this article, I am in my third posting, Paediatrics, Day 291 of housemanship, pushing into my 6th week in Paediatrics.
After what seemed like the longest time, I had not one but two episodes of panic attacks, both within a span of a week.
The first one started on a Sunday and I was working with a medical officer who, according to my seniors can be rather unpredictable and at times, explosive.
Hence, I was thinking of how my day was going to go about, how would I review this person? Just because I did not know him, I started overthinking and while at work, I felt as if I was threading on eggshells.
Throughout the day, I was on edge, trying to act fast, think fast while trying to appear cool and tried not to say or do anything which might trigger the unexpected.
Towards the afternoon, I noticed that I started having a tension headache. It was as if a tight rubber band was wrapped around my head. Subsequently, I started having abdominal pain and I felt really nauseated and my breathing became harder.
All I could think of at that time was that if I were to check my blood pressure, it would be elevated.
But this was so bad and it was only at night that I identified it as a form of panic attack.
4 days later, I had a terrible one which haunted me for a few days after that.
I was attending a 2-day-course, Neonatal Resuscitation Program – NRP. NRP is a course that every House Officer in Paediatrics have to go through to be a certified resuscitator and after that, we will start attending cases being referred to us from the Labour Ward or the Operating Theatre.
During the NRP course, we learnt the basic foundation steps in resuscitation which is rather clear cut and stepwise followed by the usage of positive-pressure ventilation (PPV) and CPR if needed.
Each of us practiced with various scenarios, down to the point of referral to NICU. The scenarios were all simulated of course and we were just resuscitating the mannequin. The thrill and adrenaline was nice. We knew that in real life, things probably would not go to the point that is so bad and should it go there, we would have had help by then.
It was all good till the afternoon of Day 2 of the NRP course which is our assessment. I entered the room rather hopeful, first of all because I have two angels as the specialists and second, we have had multiple practices with various scenarios.
I volunteered to be assessed first since I felt comfortable with the specialists and well usually those who are being assessed first will be somewhat “forgiven” for the mistakes and it is also helpful for the subsequent people who are being assessed. Thus, I went.
The first time my baby died. The second time, my baby died. The third time, my baby died again.
It was a mannequin. Yet, I recalled freezing up, unable to think. My specialists told me to take a break and to try again much later. Yet, I was adamant. I needed to complete yet I was already jammed up and breaking down.
After the third attempt, my specialist told me to take a break and I excused myself to the toilet. I broke down, cried and gave myself some time before going back into the room.
How is it that I froze and was unable to think or react or even breath. Haven’t we had multiple practices before this?
I returned to the room and watched my friends as they took turns to be assessed while I assisted before finally coming to my turn.
Long story short, eventually I passed. Thankfully.
Somehow, that is something that I do not want to experience again. Being caged in within my own body, unable to react or think or breath.
If you do suffer from panic attacks, it is indeed hard but know that you are not alone and help is always nearby and within reach.
Related Posts:
- The Paediatric Wards In Sarawak General Hospital
- Housemanship Diaries: Surviving the Tagging Period in Paediatrics
- Tagging Day 1 In My Third Posting – Day 498 | Housemanship Diaries
- The Benefits Of Working During The Weekend / Weekdays As A House Officer | Housemanship Diaries
- My Support System During My Second Posting in The Obstetrics & Gynaecology Department – Housemanship Diaries
- Reflection of The Obstetric and Gynaecology Posting
- My First Ever Explanation Letter
- My Last Day In The Department of Obstetrics And Gynaecology
- The Joy Of Working The Night Shift As A House Officer
- My Second Posting During Housemanship – Obstetrics & Gynaecology
- I Survived 26 Days Of Tagging In O&G – Housemanship Diaries
The Theoretical Doctor 